Essay: The Unconcern of Eagles

Hello friends, I am thrilled to share that my essay, “The Unconcern of Eagles,” has been published in Entropy. Here is an excerpt:

My turn, my turn, my turn! My kids shriek and race around the house, bickering over who gets to use the something next. It doesn’t really matter what it is.

The rain falls steady against the window. The newspaper tells me we’re on day 49 without sunshine. Way to go, Seattle, you’re living up to your reputation, I think, not without bitterness. The crash is coming, I can feel the future moment where someone hits his or her head in playing too hard, says something mean, lashes out. The kids have been home more than not over the last couple weeks and the grey days are closing in on us. Mothers are the purported creators of sunshine, beating the gloom back with superpowers unknown, and I feel an imposter in nearly equal measure to the days in which I rejoice in the role.

I was unprepared for the sacrifice of motherhood, and the constant reckoning with my own limitations in the pursuit of raising decent human beings. I was unprepared for my deep desire to be present for my family as I watched my aspirations to change the world drift away. I was unprepared to feel both staggering love for my children, and a lack of personal fulfillment. It is too soon to parse out the why and the lessons learned. For now, it seems moot. It is the stillness of a changing tide, the slack water at an inflection point from ebb to flow, and I am simply at the point of being able to bear witness.

And, they grow up, are growing up before my eyes. I see a not-to-distant-future where I may reclaim some part of myself. I am emerging from a chrysalis, but still searching for evolutionary purpose in a changing ecosystem. Meanwhile, these effervescent creatures in my orbit don’t slow down, don’t stop to wait for me as I stumble, hands outstretched, blindly searching through the brushy undergrowth of middle age. They are ever streaking away from me, a faint trail of laughter lingering like stardust.

You can find the full essay online here: https://entropymag.org/the-birds-the-unconcern-of-eagles.